Taker and Kane Go To Krystal
by SlyderLord
Summary: Wrestlers Undertaker and Kane scour Tennessee in search for a burger chain that's open 24 hours. But obstacles sidetrack them.
1. Chapter 1

**Taker & Kane Go To Krystal **

**by **

**Slyder Lord **

**I wrote this story three years ago. It's a parody of the movie, Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle. Enjoy. **

The wrestlers, known as the Undertaker and Kane, or the Brothers of Destruction, put up their wrestling boots for good. Both men found success in finding different career paths. 'Taker found a job as a sales rep for Ford. Kane started up his own business, selling hotsauce called Dynamite. But try as they might, they just couldn't break out of the wrestler's mentality.

**Friday 1:58 p.m. **

'Taker was typing up some reports. A few moments later, a co-worker came along and said, "Hey, Mark, can I borrow your stapler?"

'Taker slowly looked away from the computer to the young man, who squirmed under 'Taker's menacing scowl.

"Fulton, I know that you see me in the middle of something," he said, his voice thick with irritability. "Out of all these assholes in this office, not doing anything, you come over to my cubicle and ask for my goddamn stapler?"

"Well- you were the closest to my cubicle," said Fulton in a small voice.

'Taker got out of his chair, his green eyes flashing dangerously.

"You know what, Fulton? I don't think you're showing me any respect!" He shouted. "You see this cubicle you're in? All 8 by 10 inches of it? This is my yard. And I'm the nasty vicious pitbull that runs this yard. And you know what happens to people who step into my yard?"

"Y-you make them f - famous?" Fulton said meekly.

"Damn straight," said 'Taker. "So no, you can't borrow my stapler, but you can borrow this-"

'Taker took his chair and threw it at Fulton's head. Fulton dropped to the floor, unconcious, but that didn't calm 'Taker's rage. He picked up Fulton and slameed his head repeatedly on the desk and computer keyboard. Other co-workers screamed and tried to rush to Fulton's aid, but 'Taker continued his assault. He took Fulton and threw him into the cubicle, knocking it over, creating a domino effect.

It finally took eight people to restrain Taker. After someone called 911, 'Taker was called to the boss' office. As 'Taker walked in, his boss, Mr. Hudson, looked at him with a mixture of anger and apprehension.

"Mr. Calaway, this is the third incident concerning you this week," he said, trying not to show 'Taker how scared he was. "You have put Dingle in the hospital with six broken ribs, you put Travis in there with a fractured collarbone, and now, Mr. Fulton's heading to the hospital with serious injuries.

"So?" said 'Taker.

"Mr. Calaway, I can't let this continue to happen," said Mr. Hudson. "You are forgetting you're not in the ring anymore. I'm afraid I'm going to have to-"

"What?" said 'Taker, his voice coming out in an animalistic growl. "Fire me Go ahead and finish that sentence, Hudson, I dare you."

"You have put too many of my employees' lives in peril, Mr. Calaway," said Mr. Hudson, his voice shaky. "I can't take that risk, I'm going to termin-"

Before Mr. Hudson could finish his sentence, 'Taker's large hand was clamped around his throat. Mr Hudson gasped and choked, his face turning a puce color. He was lifted in the air and slammed on the desk, breaking it in half.

"Send me my check in the mail," said 'Taker coldly, walking out of the office.

'Taker's Expedition drove up Riverside Drive. The anger was slowly ebbing away and regret was quickly settling in. He had been out of the ring for nearly three months, but he was having a hard time adjusting to life outside. It was ironic how nice it was outside, when he was feeling just the opposite.

'Taker pulled up in front of a red bricked ranch style mansion with maple garage doors. 'Taker parked his truck in front of the garage. Then, he took out his key and opened the large maple stained glassed door.

As soon as 'Taker walked inside, he heard Slipknot blasting in the distance, which meant one thing. Kane was home.

"Glen!" 'Taker shouted as he removed his tie and shirt. "Glen! I'm home, where are you?"

"In the game room!" shouted Kane.

'Taker walked into the hallway and made a right. As soon as he opened the door to the game room, he had to duck, for a large fireball was headed toward his way.

"Glen!" 'Taker exclaimed. "What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm in a bad mood," said Kane as he shot another fireball. It hit the pool table, setting it ablaze. Taker quickly grabbed a fire extinguisher and put the fire out before it could spread.

"Okay, time for you to put the matcher and Everclear away," said 'Taker. "What're you so ticked off about anyway?"

"The FDA's recalling my hot sauce," said Kane. "12 people complained of the sauce being too hot. They said it burned holes in their tongues."

"That sucks," said 'Taker.

"That's not the worst part about it," said Kane. "Those 12 people are threatening to take me to court."

"Really?" 'Taker asked

Kane nodded grimly.

"Enough about me," he said. "What're _you _doing home so early?"

"Well," 'Taker started. "I got fired."

"Fired?" Kane repeated. "What for?"

Taker told Kane how he got fired. Kane brust out into guffaws after he finished.

"You've lost your temper over alot of things," said Kane, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes. "But over something so trivial? You've officially lost it."

"Yell well at least I''m not getting sued by 12 people," 'Taker snapped as he took 2 Excedrins.

Kane sobered up quickly.

"We're both having a bad day, Mark." said Kane. "So, what do you want to do?"

"Anything to get our minds off of today." said 'Taker.

"I got the cure," said Kane, "wanna play Smackdown vs Raw 2009?"

"Yeah," said 'Taker. "You're gonna get schooled, boy."

"Two bad they don't have a 'You're Fired' match on here," Kane retorted.

The two men spent several hours playing on the X-Box. They played as theirselves, taking turns beating the hell out of their animated selves.

"Ha, Mark, I beat you again," said Kane.

"Yeah, yeah," said 'Taker grumpily. "I'd kick your ass in real life anyway."

He glanced at the clock. It was 6:30.

"I'm starving." he said. "What about you?"

"My stomach's growling like a bear," said Kane. Wanna go to Famous Dave's?"

"No, I'm sick of BBQ," said 'Taker. "We've been eating that way too much."

"What about Philly Connection?"

"No," said 'Taker. "I want something that we haven't had for a while."

Kane was about to ask what when a Krystal commercial appeared on the TV screen.

"_Five, just gimme five, to satisfy, that's what I like!" _

Kane and Taker looked at each other. Both men were thinking the same thing.

"We're going to Krystal." said 'Taker. "There's one on Union Ave. Up for the journey?"

"Hell yeah," said Kane. "We'll take your jeep there."

'Taker grabbed his Expedition's keys and headed outside. As he and Kane hopped inside, Kane said, "I'm telling you, Mark, I'm going to eat like 20 of those burgers!"

"Well, I see your twenty and raise you 50," said Taker, turning the radio to Ozzy Osbourne. "And I can't wait to get a hold of those little chik'n bites. C'mon, let's not waste anymore time, we've got to get to Krystal ASAP."

Taker rode out of the driveway and started his journey to Krystal.


	2. Chapter 2

**Big Show makes a guest appearance in this chapter. **

**2**

"There's the Gateway Tire Building," said Kane. "That means Krystal should be right up...hey, what the hell?"

Where Krystal should have been, there was a small burger stand that said, in neon blue letters, 'The Burger Hut'.

"That's not Krystal," said 'Taker, "let's find out what the hell's going on."

Bewilderment mixed with hunger and anger, both men walked toward the window. The cashier, a large bald man, who resembled Shrek, looked up from a burger he was eating, and said,in a gruff raspy voice, "Welcome to Burger Hut, my name is Paul, how can I help you this evening?"

"Where's Krystal?" 'Taker demanded.

A befuddled expression came across the cashier's ugly face.

"Huh?"

"There used to be a Krystal here," said Kane, "what happened?"

"Ohhhh," said the cashier in comprehension. "I hate to break it to you guys, but Burger Hut brought Krystal and tore it down four months ago."

"Is there any other Krystal open around here?" Kane asked

"Nope." said the cashier.

"Are you sure?" asked Taker, noticing that the cashier nearly filled the whole hut up.

"Look, pal, I got the number of every fast food joint in this town on speed dial," said the cashier. "Do I look like I would joke about something like that?"

Realizing he had a point, Kane muttered, "Shit, what're we gonna do?"

"I don't know," said Taker. "Let's just order some burgers from here."

"Hey, you know," the cashier chimed in, "there's a Krystal open 24 hours in Knoxville."

'Taker looked at Kane and said "I can make the trip if you want."

"I don't know, that's five hours away," said Kane. "I have to see my lawyer in the morning."

"Hey, I don't mean to cute in on your conversation again," said the cashier, "but if there's one thing I've learned since working here, is that when you have the jones for Krystal, the burgers here are pratically inferior. As a matter of fact, we don't get any customers. If it weren't for me ordering every thing for myself, we'd be out of business."

"Really?" asked Kane.

The cashier nodded.

"I could use a Krystal burger," he said dreamily. "Biting into one of those delicious thingns with the onions, pickles, mustards all on on that steamy bun is like heaven in your mouth. Just thinking about those delectable little burgers just makes me want to tear this fucking place apart!"

The giant cashier let out a loud roar and ripped his shirt off. Then he started knocking things over, kicking over the grill, and grabbing the ice cream machine and threw it, causing it to fizzle out. Pretty soon, the Burger Hut looked as if it had been hit by a tornado.

"Sorry, I didn't take my medication today," said the cashier. "But anyways, you might as well just buck up and go to Krystal."

Kane looked aat Undertaker and said, "What do you say, Mark?"

Taker paused for a moment and said, "Let's go, man."

"Yes, I knew you'd say yes!" said Kane excitedly. "And no matter what, we're not ending this night without Krystal in our stomachs, agreed?"

"Agreed," said 'Taker.

"Great choice," said the cashier. "Because you guys's might've wanted to avoid our lemonade. Y'see, I added a special ingredient to it. I'll give you a hint; It's yellow and smells funny."

The cashier let out a laugh, ask Kane and Taker walked away with disgust and amusement.


	3. Chapter 3

**Wrestlers making guest appearances in the chapter: Cryme Tyme, Ron Simmons **

3

"I'll never look at Country Time the same way again." said Taker, starting the Expedition up again.

"Tell me about it," said Kane. "That's worse than putting acid in hot sauce."

Taker stopped at a red light. He looked at the name of the street; Tillman.

"Fuck, he muttered. "This is a bad street right he-"

Before he could finish his sentence, two guys popped up in front of Taker's window. Both were young African-American males. One was large and muscle with long cornrows. The other was smaller with sunglasses written on it and a baseball cap and durag covering his braided hair.

"Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo!" said the large one.

"Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo,!" said the smaller one. "Yo, Shad, check these silly white boys."

"What's poppin, white boy?" said Shad to Taker. "Care to purchase some items from us?"

"No thanks," said Taker. "Can you tell me how to get to Lovell Road in Knoxville?"

"We can," said the one named Shad. "But first, we want to show you some of our products. J.T.G., get them."

"I don't want-" Taker began irritable, but before he knew it, a blow dryer, was being shoved into his face.

"It doesn't work," said the one named J.T.G. "But we're going to give it to you half price- 12 dollars."

"12 Dollars for a blow dryer that doesn't work?" said Kane outraged.

"Don't be stingy, we know your pockets are lined up with cheddar," said Shad. "Next item up, a counterfeit Gucci handbag. 10 dollars, whatdya say, dawg?"

"No!" said Taker, who was near the boiling point. "Just tell us how to get to the Krystal in Knoxville!"

"Listen homeboy, we're just trying to get our houstle on." said J.T. "Y'see, we're just about gettin' that money, money,! Yeah, yeah!"

The two of them began dancing while saying. "Money, money. Yeah, yeah!" over and over. Taker grew tired of this and said. "If I give you both two hundred bucks each, will you tell us how to get to the Krystal in Knoxville?"

"That'll work," said Shad. "Give us the green."

When 'Taker gave up four hundred bucks, Shad gave a very long winded version of how to get the Krystal. By the time he finished, 'Taker and Kane were nearly asleep.

"Thanks," said Taker, muttering a sigh of relief.

"No, thank you," said Shad, walking off with a broad smile on his face. When Taker looked back, he realized why. JTG was running off with the hubcaps he'd taken off of the Expedition.

"Son of a bitch!" Taker snarled. "That's why they gave me that long assed story on how to get to Knoxville!"

Another man walked toward the Expedition. He too, was African-American with a defensive tackle's build, a small afro, and a mustache. He looked at Taker, then Kane, paused, shook his head, and said, "DAMN!" and walked off.


	4. Chapter 4

**Special wrestler appearance: Rob Van Dam **

**4**

As Taker drove up Sam Cooper Boulevard, he shot a glance at Kane, who was snickering to himself.

What the hell're you giggling about?" he demanded.

"It's nothing," said Kane, "except for the fact that you got jacked for you hubcaps."

"Oh, you think that's funny?" Taker said. "Well, let's see how funny it is when I kick your half bald ass from here to Nashville!"

"You better pay attention to the road, old man," said Kane, "of course, it you were able to pay attention, your hubcaps wouldn't have gotten stolen."

Taker and Kane fought playfully, causing the jeep to swerve sharply and went down a rocky muddy hill. Both men yelled in surprise and horror as they continue to roll down the hill, twigs, leaves and mud dirtying the windows a little.

"Fuck," muttered Taker. "We could've been seriously hurt."

Taker went to drive and heard a loud POP! His tire had flattened.

"FUCK!" Taker yelled as he got out of the Expedition. "Dammit to hell!"

He then remembered that he had a spare tire in the back of the truck. Along with Kane, he opened the back of the Expedition. There was no spare.

"Fuck!" yelled 'Taker for the third time. "What the hell happened to my spare?"

He looked at Kane, who let out a low whistle.

"What did you do?" demanded 'Taker in a tone that befitted a mother interrogating her guilty child.

"Well, I borrowed your jeep last Firday and I lost your tire in a poker game." said Kane. "Sorry."

"Sorry?" said Taker in disbelief. "You bet my spare away and all you have to say is _sorry_? Man I could _kill _you! What're we going to do? It's starting to rain. FUCK!"

There were head lights shinning up ahead. It was a tow truck. Taker tried to get the driver's attention, but it was filled up with so much smoke inside, Kane and Taker wondered how the driver could see where they were going.

The truck pulled to a slow stop. The door opened and out came a man, several inches above average height, with the build of a martial arts expert and long brown hair that he had tied into a ponytail. His eyes were bright red like cherries.

"Yo, dude," he said in a far out surfer boy tone. "You guys need some help?"

"Yes," said Kane. "Our tire has a flat."

Is that all?" said the guy. "I can get this fixed faster than I can roll a joint."

The pothead hooked the Expedition to his truck. Taker noticed that the truck read, Stoners' Tow and Trucking.

"Hop in, dudes!" the pothead said as he climed in the truck.

Inside of the truck smelled strongly of marijuana. Where the should have been an air freshener shaped like a pine tree there was one shaped like a marijuana leaf.

My place is not too far from here, dudes." said the stoner. "The name's like Robby, like what're your names, dudes?"

Taker and Kane were about to answer, when Robby shouted, "WHOA!" and swerved around sharply.

"What was that for?" Kane demanded

"You didn't see that rainbow giraffe back there?" Robby asked. "I narrowly missed it!"

Taker and Kane looked at each other and were thinking the same thing; This guy was baked.

By the time they got to Robby's place, Taker and Kane were glad to get out of the truck. Robby had kept swerving and pulling to a stop, claiming to see things that weren't there. He even drove at dangerous speeds because he thought the CIA were after him.

"You dudes can wait in the house if you want," said Robby. "Help yourself to anything you want bros. _Mi casa es tu casa_."

Both men went inside Robby's house. There were different types of marjiuana plants at every stop they took. There were also bongs, hookahs, and brownies, everywhere.

It's like little Tijuana in here." said Kane, sitting down on a battered sofa.

"Yeah," said Taker. "We've been through so much in the past hour. I think it's an omen. Maybe we should just go to a supermarket and buy boxes of Krystal burgers and go back home."

"You've been inhaling too much of that marijuana smoke," said Kane. "We have to go to Krystal. And you said no matter what, wer weren't ending this night without Krystal. You can't go back on your word, Mark."

Taker sighed

"I know," he said. "I'm just completely on edge right now, I don't know how much more I can take."

"Just relax, dude," said Kane mocking Robby's voice. "Sit down, chill out and let's listen to some of these records over here in that crate. He did say his house was our house."

Taker flipped through Robby's albums and put on some Clutch.

"Y'know?" said Kane. "Those plate of brownies look tempting enough to eat.

"No," said Taker sternly. "There's enough weed in those brownies for a week long high. Besides, we're not eating anything until we go to Krystal."

"You're such a fuddy duddy, Mark," said Kane. "C'mon, try a brownie, old man."

Kane took a brownie off the plate and bit into it. Taker shook his head in shock and annoyance.

"Not bad," said Kane. He took another one and bit into it. "You don't know what you're missing, Deadman."

Realizing he needed something to ease him, Taker gave in and took a brownie. It was nice and moist and melted right on his tongue.

"Betty Crocker couldn't have made this better herself," he said, gobbling up the whole thing.

Both men gobbled down the the whole plate of brownies. Pretty soon, the both of them came down with a fit of giggles. Everything seemed a hundred times funnier. They were still laughing when Robby came in.

Hey, what the hell are you two doing in my house?" he demanded.

"Dude, you told us to wait in here while you fixed my tire," said Taker between laughs.

"I did?" said Robby. "Are you sure, man or are you just pulling my chain, because I don't remember saying that,"

Kane and Taker fell out of their chair, laughing.

"Yes," said Kane, wiping tears from his face. "You said that. The tire you're fixing on the Expedition, that's ours."

"Ohhhh, right, dude," said Robby. "Well, it's fixed."

"How much will it be?" said Taker, pulling out his wallet.

"A hundred and fifty," said Robby.

Taker got up from the floor and handed Robby a hundred and fifty dollars.

"Thanks, dude." said Robby. "Care to join me in hitting the bong?"

Taker and Kane looked at each other. They already ate a plate full of laced brownies, more weed wouldn't hurt.

"Why the hell not?" said Kane.

The three of them sat together on the leather chair. Robby got out a rainbow colored bong.

"Prepare to get blazed, dudes," said

The three men went back and forth, each of them hitting the bong, and listening to Monster Magnet. They all laughed, tripped out, and said random things.

"I have the munchies more than ever now," said Taker. "Robby do you know how to get to the Krystal in Knoxville?"

"Of course, dude," said Robby. "All you have to do is take the road to I-40."

"Sweet," said Taker. "Well, thanks for the pot, Robby, we gotta get going."

"Anytime, dude!" said Robby. "If you ever need a fixed tire, I'm your man. I would give you a business card, but I used them all as blunt wrappers."

"No problem," said Taker. "Let's go, Kane, you're driving.

The two men left Robby's place, continuing their odyssey to Krystal.


	5. Chapter 5

**Wrestlers making special guest appearances: Hornswoggle, Kizarny, The Boogeyman, Goldust, Festus, Ron Simmons. **

**5**

I haven't gotten baked like that since highschool," said Kane, "like everything's so bright."

"Same here," said 'Taker. "Everything's so fucking colorful.

Kane got in the driver's seat, while Taker climed into the passenger's seat. Kane headed to I-40.

"We need some tunes," said Taker. "Turn on the radio, man."

Kane flipped through the radio stations and stopped at some station that was playing a Madonna tune.

"No," Taker moaned. I hate that bitch, turn the station."

Kane stopped at another station, which was playing New Kids On The Block, but changed the station when Taker gave him his trademark scowl. He finally turned to a station that was playing "We Belong" by Pat Benatar. The both of them muttered the lyrics under their breaths. Then, when the chorus came, they both sung out loud.

"_We belong to the light, we belong to the the belong to the sounds of the worlds, we've both fallen under." _

They were still singing when they heard a faint sound of a police and Kane looked at each other, befuddled expressions on their faces.

"I don't remember a police car sound effect being in this song." said Kane.

"Taker looked back and said, "You idiot, it's not the song, there's a police car in the back of us!"

"Shit," said Kane. "Should I pull over?"

"Fuck no." said Taker. "I want some Krystal and the police ain't gonna stop us. Step on it!"

Kane obediently put the pedal to the metal and sped up. The police car sped up also and pursued the Expedition. Kane took a right at the ramp. The police car followed.

"Dammit, Slow Poke Rodriguez, drive faster!" shouted 'Taker. "They're hot on our asses like prisoners in a crowded shower. C'mon, _rapido, rapido!_"

Kane shifted and made all kinds of twist and turns. The police car was falling back.

"We're losing them slightly, said 'Taker as he watched the needle on the odometer hit 110. "Quick, make another left at that light!"

Kane made the left. The cop car was far away from the Expedition.

"There's a carnival," said Kane. "Let's pull into their parking lot."

Kane made a sharp right and parked along a row of cars. The cop car sailed past them, sirens wailing loudly. Both men breathed a sigh of relief.

"Let's never smoke pot and drive again." said Taker. That damn Robby. And how I let you talk me into eating one of those brownies is beyond me."

Kane chuckled as he looked out at the carnival.

"We should check that place out." he said

"No," said 'Taker grumpily. "No more detours. I wanna get to Krystal dammit. Let's go."

"Well, _I'm _going to check it out," said Kane, getting out of the Expedition.

"Dammit, Glen," said Taker, getting out and following.

There were a bunch of kids running around laughing and screaming. When Taker and Kane walked up to the gate, a short young man with long blond hair, eye mak up, and many tattoos appeared.

"Wizelcome tizo thize cizarnival." said the man

"What?" said Taker.

"He said, Welcome To The Carnival," muttered Kane.

"Cizare tizo bizuy tizickets?" the blond asked.

"Sure," said Kane. "20 tickets for each of us, please."

The oddball handed Kane 40 tickets.

"Hizave fizun," he said as Kane and 'Taker walked away.

"Freak," Taker muttered. "You never told me you knew carny language."

"It's not one of those subjects you normally bring up in a conversation." said Kane. "So, what do you want to do?"

"I want to leave from this place and go to Krystal," said 'Taker, looking more cross than an old woman.

"Don't be such a Mean Mark." said Kane snickering. "Let's have some fun. Forget about Krystal for a bit."

Both men explored the carnival, far, and wide. They played games, watched elephants, lions, and bears do tricks, and watched people stick swords down their throats. Kane won a stuffed panda for winning Ring The Bell. He burned the panda afterwards, claiming he hated pandas.

"Two tickets left," said Kane. "Wanna go to the Freak Show?"

"Anything to get the hell out of here," muttered "Taker.

"Taker and Kane walked inside along with the rest of the line. As soon as Taker walked in, he felt a sharp pain in his leg. Roaring, The looked down for the source. A man, standing at least four foot six, with blond hair and a black beard, dressed in green was looking up at Taker, pointing and laughing. He threw handfuls of Lucky Charms at Taker and ran off, laughing gleefully.

"Little son of a bitch." Taker growled, lifting up his pants leg. There was a small bitemark embedded in his leg. I'm going to kick his ass. And stop laughing," he snapped at Kane, who was holding his stomach from laughing so hard.

Taker and Kane saw for the freakshow, a man dressed in black and gold, with a blond wig, who blurted out bizarre words, a guy who went beserk at the sounds of bells, women with beards, and a man with hideous boils all over his face.

"This is the craziest shit I've ever seen." said Kane. "I wonder wh-"

"A fetid stench hit their nose as a large red mist rose over them. When it cleared, a guy with Darth Maul like face paint, appeared in front of them. He opened his mouth in a toothless grin.

"Hush little baby, don't say a word," he said in an eerie sing song voice. "Mama's going to buy you a mocking bird. And if that mocking bird doesn't sing, Mama's going to buy you a diamond ring."

He smashed a clock over his head and said. "I'm the Boogeyman, and I'm coming to getcha! Hahahaha!"

He opened up a bag, filled with worms. Taker and Kane watched with disgust as he began to eat them.

"There's no word to describe that freakshow." said Taker, after they left.

The man, who had appeared after those two thugs stole Takers' hubcaps, showed up again. He put his head down and yelled, "DAMN!" before walking away.

"That pretty much sums it up." said Kane.


	6. Chapter 6

**Wrestlers making guest appearance: The Miz, Ric Flair **

**6**

It was going on 10 p.m. The sky was a deep sapphire blue with silver moonlight being the only form of light. Kane had been driving around in circles for the past fifteen minutes.

"Do you even know where you're going Glen?" Taker asked.

"I'll admit, we're a little lost." said Kane.

"Well, at this point, we'll never get to Krystal," said Taker.

"Krystal, Krystal, Krystal," said Kane annoyed. "Is that all you can think of is Krystal?"

"Yes," said Taker. At this point, those tasty little burgers have got my tastebuds on edge. I want those burgers more than I want sex."

Kane let out a low whistle.

"You've got it bad," he said. "Let's look at these signs and hope one of them tells us how to get to Knoxville before you get blue balls for burgers."

Kane rode around for another fifteen minutes, stopping at signs. None of them said how to get to Knoxville.

"This is hopeless," he muttered, looking up ahead. "Hey look, there's a hitchhiker, let's pick him up.

"No, no, no," said Taker. There's no way in the blue hell, you're picking up some random stranger in my jeep."

"Oh, come on," said Kane. "Maybe he knows how to get to Knoxville."

As Kane and Taker bickered over whether or not to let the hitchhiker in, the hitch hiker walked over to the Expedition and got in. Taker and Kane did a double take when they saw who it was.

"Ric Flair!" 'Taker said. "Holy shit, how're you doing?"

"Taker, Kane, long time no see," said Ric indifferently.

"What're you doing in Tennessee?" Taker asked.

"Hey, can we get goin'?" Ric asked impatiently. "I'm bored as shit back here."

Kane obediently drove the Expedition.

"Ric, do you know where the 24 hour Krystal in Knoxville is?" Kane asked.

"Man, I don't even know where the hell I am right now," said Ric. "All I know was that I was in some bar. The next thing I know, I'm on the ground hanging on for dear life. I've been shitfaced every since."

"Some time you had," said Kane. "We've been having a pretty crazy night outselves. We've been trying to get to Krystal, but we keep getting sidetracked."

"Yeah, that's real fascinating," said Ric sarcastically, "forget Krystal, let's go to a titty bar."

"You don't understand, Ric," said Taker. "We've been craving Krystal burgers all night."

"We can go to Krystal later," said Ric. "But until then, let's go to a brothel or something. The Ric Flair line always works. Stylin' and profilin' Woooooo!"

There was a Spring and Willow Shell Food just along the road. Kane pulled into the parking lot.

"I'm going inside to ask for directions." said Kane. "Be right back."

"Yeah, hurry it up," said Ric. "I'm losing wood back here."

"Just great," muttered Kane to Taker. "You're hungry for burgers and Ric's hungry for tits."

"Yeah, what's up with Ric?" asked 'Taker as they walked inside the gas station's store. "Why's he so horny?"

"Isn't the fact that he's male good enough for you?" asked Kane.

Inside the store was empty, except for the clerk and a young man with his hair cut into a fauxhawk, who was reading _People _magazine.

"Excuse me, do you know how to get to the 24 hour Krystal in Knoxville?" asked Taker.

The clerk looked at Taker as if he was speaking a language not yet known to man.

"Allow me," said Kane. He spoke in a language Taker never heard him speak before. The clerk smiled and spoke back.

"Hey, who knew learning Farsi would pay off one day?" said Kane. "He said take exit 374 for TN 131, it's only an hour and twenty-five minutes away."

"Excellent," said Taker. "Let's go."

"Nobody's going anywhere," said a voice from behind them. "Everybody just stay where they are, this is a robbery."

Taker and Kane wheel around. The boy with the fauxhawk had a gun pointed at the three of them.

"Hands up," said the boy. "Hand over any money that you've got. You too, Apu."

"What if we don't want to oblige?" said Kane. "You think you're a big man with that gun don't you?"

"Shut up, you has been," snapped the boy. "I've got the gun, this is my time. I'm sick of people not taking me seriously. Nobody thinks I have what it takes to be a major player. Well let's see when I kill all of you and take the money, because I'm the Miz, and I'm awesome!"

Taker and Kane looked at each other. They were ready to kick ass.

"Well, Miz," Taker started. "You must don't know we eat bullets for breakfast. You picked the wrong time to rob a gas station, boy."

Both men walked toward the Miz, whose lip began to twitch.

"I said stay where you are." he said, but his voice had become high pitched. "D-don't make me pull the trigger!"

Taker and Kane continued to stalk toward the Miz and in his nervousness, he pulled the trigger. A stream of cold water hit Taker in the face.

There was a pause. Then it was broken by peals of laughter issuing from both Taker and Kane.

"A water gun," said Taker, wiping tears from his eyes. "Can you believe it? The idiot tried to stick this place up with a fucking water gun."

Seizing the advantage of their ridiculing him, the Miz tried to make a run for it. But Taker and Kane both grabbed him by the throat and chokeslammed him on the floor. Then, they picked up the water gun and saluted the clerk, who thanked them both as they walked out of the store.

"Alright, let's get this show on the road," said Kane, "Let's go to Kry-"

He didn't finish the sentence, for the Taker's Expedition was driving out of the parking lot. They heard a loud "WOOOOOOO!" as it disappeared into the night.

There was a long pause. Then Taker broke it by saying, "Did Ric Flair just steal my fucking jeep?"

"Yes." Kane said. "Yes he did."

The man with the afro appeared for a third time. He put his head down, frowned, and then yelled, "DAMN!"


	7. Chapter 7

**7**

Taker let out a long loud roar of rage. Not even a tiger could outroar him at that moment.

"Why?" he shouted at Kane. "Why, did you leave the keys in the ignition?"

"Hey, man, I thought we could trust Ric," said Kane. "How was I to know he'd fuck us over?"

"This night!" Taker continued to shout. "This whole fucking night has been screwed up. We're five hundred and fifty dollars in the red, some hoodlums steal my hubcaps, our tire gets a flat, the police chase us, I get bit in the leg by a fucking leprechaun, and some guy keeps following us, saying Damn!" I mean what's next. What's fucking next?"

The answer came in front of a cop. Two cops came out holding guns, which they pointed at Taker and Kane.

"Drop the weapon and put your hands up!"

Kane dropped the watergun he took from the Miz and put his hands up. Taker however, kept his hands firmly on his waist and said. What the hell for? We didn't do anything."

"Don't give us any back lip sir," said the first officer. "We've gotten a call in about a robbery at this gas station."

"You've got the wrong people, dumbass," snarled 'Taker. "The real guys's inside on the floor, we're the ones who laid him out."

"Do we look like idiots, sir?" said the second officer. "You expect us to believe you both didn't rob this gas station?"

"We didn't," said Kane. "We don't even have a bag of money on us. You have to believe us."

Instead, the police handcuffed both men and put them in the back of the squad car. This sent Taker into a fury.

"What about me?" he yelled. "I got my truck stolen, are any of you going to do anything about that?"

"Keep it quiet mister or we'll have to use excessive force," said the first cop.

When they arrived at the police station they took their mugshots, took their fingerprints, and threw them both inside a cell. Taker was still fuming and shouted. "Aren't you morons going to do anything about my damn jeep?"

The cops blatantly ignored him and turned on the television as loud as they could.

"What're we going to do?" said Kane. "We can't stay here."

"There's nothing we can do." said Taker. I don't have change on me."

"The both of them turned and saw a meek looking guy sitting on the bench, reading a book. He looked up at the two large men staring at him and said nervously, L-look, I don't want any problems, just leave me alone."

"What're you in here for?" Taker asked. "Did you steal your granny's car?"

"No," said the man smiling weakly. "I'm in here for texting."

"Texting?" said 'Taker in disbelief. "C'mon, be serious."

"I am serious,"" said the man. "I was in front of the mall, texting my wife, telling her I was going to be late coming home, and those guys came up to me, saying I was disturbing the peace by texting too loud, so they brought me here."

"You've got to be kidding me." said Taker. "We can't stay in this pisshole. Glen, you're going to break us out of here."

"Me," said Kane. "How am I going to pull that off?"

"You remember when you ripped off the door of the hell in a cell, twelve years ago?" said Taker. "You could do it again."

"I was in a rage," said Kane. "I'm not in a rage now."

"Well, you're going to get into a rage again," said Taker. Think about being in that cold dark basement, think about Paul locking you in there."

Kane looked at him with a blank stare.

"Okay, think about when X-Pac betrayed you and stole your woman." Taker suggested.

Kane's face twisted into an ugly snarl, but it wasn't rage.

Taker tried alot of memories to try to get Kane angry enough to break the cell door down, but he was unsuccessful in his attempt.

"Oh fuck it, we're never going to get out of here," he muttered. "I can just forget about Krystal.

At that very moment, a lightning bulb flashed above Taker's head. It was his last hope of ever getting out of the cell.

"Glen, he started, "May 19th"

The fire in Kane's eyes started out like the fire like the small one on a candle.

"Don't say that date," said Kane in a low voice.

May 19th," Taker goaded. "May 19th!"

"Don't - say- that- DATE!" Kane growled. The fire was now like the one in a fireplace."

Taker smirked as he said as loud as he could. "MAY 19TH!"

Before he knew it, Kane was grabbing the cell, pulling it apart. They were free. The cops didn't notice that the three men were free, until Kane advanced on them. He took them by the back of their shirts and threw them both across the room. Taker took all of the information the cops had about them and burned it.

"That takes care of that," he said. "Let's get out of here."

The three men departed from the police station. The weak looking man thanked Kane for breaking them out and went on his way.

"You alright?" Taker asked Kane.

"Yeah," said Kane, "but don't ever pull that off again."

"No problem," said Taker, grinning apologetically. "But I'm just trying to get us to Krystal."

"Yeah, about that," said Kane. How the hell are we going to get to Krystal without a car?"

"Easy," said Taker, sticking out his thumb. "We hitchhike. Look, there's a car now."

But the car sailed right past the two men without stopping.

"So much for that plan."

"Don't worry, Glen," said Taker. "We've got the whole night, someone's bound to pick us up.

But 45 minutes later, they still were waiting, a dozen cars passing them by.

"Face it, Mark, we ain't getting a ride," said Kane, who had grown impatient. "Let's just go.

The two men walked along the road. It was quiet (except for the chirping of the crickets) as the men walked in silence. They had walked two miles when they both stoppedd.

"This walking's getting us nowhere." said Taker. "Maybe we should-"

Kane cut off. There was a sound of hooves.

"What the hell was that?" said Taker

His question was answered by the sight of a white stallion. Its mane moved in the nice cool breeze.

"Holy shit," said Taker, "it must have escaped from a barn or you have something we could feed it?"

Kane took out an apple from his jacket and presented it to the stallion. It nibbled on the apple.

"It's a beautiful one," said Taker, stroking its nose. "You know what? Something just came to me."

"Oh no," said Kane. "Not another idea of yours."

"Yep," said Taker. "You remember in the old Western days when they road horses into town? Well, we're going to ride this horse to Krystal."

Kane made a noise that bordered disbelief and impatience.

"We can't get on this horse," he said. "The both of us together are over 600 pounds."

"Do you want to get to Krystal or not?" snapped 'Taker. "Horses are used to carrying large loads. Now we're going to Krystal on this horse and that's final."

Both men climbed on top of the stallion.

"Alright," said Taker. "Let's see if t his works. Giddyup!"

Surprisingly, the horse took off like lightning. Taker and Kane let out yells of joy as the horse galloped out of the woods and then into traffic, the cool wind whipping against their faces.

"This is the collest shit ever!" said Taker. "At this rate, we'll be at Krystal in no ti-"

There was a large branch up ahead. Taker tried to duck, but it was too late. The branch hit him in his head, knocking him dingy. He fell off the horse. Everything was black and he knew no more.


	8. Chapter 8

8

When Taker awoke, he was no longer in the woods, but in a strange cartoonish land where there was trees with Krystal Burgers on them. Getting up, Taker went to reach for a burger when two squeaky voices shouted, "Taker, help us!"

Wheeling around, Taker let out a yell of shock; Two giant double cheese Krystals stood on front of him. They were the ones who had spoken.

"Where the hell am I?" asked Taker

"Never mind that," said the first burger. "Your help is needed!"

"It's the Krystal princess," squeaked the second one. "She's trapped at the top of the tower. You've got to save her."

"Before I save this Krystal Princess, I've got to ask," Taker started. "What's stopping me from eating the both of you?"

"No more questions," said the second burger rather quickly. "We must save the princess!"

Taker could hear someone screaming in the distance. He followed the two burgers. While running, he saw more burgers playing games. His mouth water as he watched a Krystal burger playing hopscotch. Never had he seen such a place.

There was a large castle up ahead. There in the utmost tower was the Krystal Princess. She was tall and slender with red hair falling to her back. She was crying, mascara running down her face.

"Save me, Deadman," called the Krystal Princess, "get me out of here."

Taker started for the castle's door. All of a sudden, the two cops that had arrested him earlier, appeared in front of the door.

"Hold it right there, pal," said the first officer. "Stay clear of this door."

Taker pulled out a shiny silver revolver and fired it twice. Blood splattered everywhere, as they clutched at their chest.

"Silver bullets," the first cop gasped. "They only work on...how did you know?"

The cops fell to the ground, dead, clearing the door. Taker opened it and followed the talking burgers up a spiral of stairs.

They finally reached the door to which the Krystal princess was trapped. Taker kicked the door down. The Krystal princess ran to Taker and jumped in his arms.

"My hero," she said. "Thanks for rescuing me."

The two began to kiss. Then, the Krystal Princess began to lick 'Taker's face.

"Hey, stop that," said Taker laughing. "C'mon quit it..."

Taker woke up to Kane licking his face. He yelped and pushed Kane off of him.

"What the hell are you doing?" Taker demanded, getting to his feet. There was a blinding pain in his head as he got up.

"You were out for an hour," said Kane. "I figured if I did some gay shit, you'd wake up."

Taker looked around. The horse was gone.

"You've got a nasty gash on your forehead," said Kane. "We should get you to the hospital."

"No," said Taker. "I'm goin home.

"Why?" said Kane. "We're not too far from Knoxville now. After we get you stitched up, we can go to Krystal. We came all this way, Mark. Why quit now?

I can't stand to have another setback," said Taker. Falling off of the horse was the last straw for me, Glen. We're going home."

Kane was about to protest when they heard a car coming. Both men ran to catch it.

It was Taker's Expedition. Ric Flair and two bikini clad women were in the sunroof. Ric Flair let out a loud "WOOOOOOOO!" as he sipped Patrón and buried his head between one of the girls' breasts.

"Hey!" Kane called. "Ric! Stop the car!"

But the jeep kept on going, splashing a puddle of water on Taker and Kane. It disappeared, leaving Taker and Kane looking dumbfounded.

Kane looked at Taker, who looked as if he was a nanosecond away from having a mental breakdown.

"C'mon," said Kane. "Let's find a payphone, so we can call us a cab."

After walking five miles, the two men reached a mall strip. There were skater punks in the parking lot, terrorizing people who went past. The closest payphone was near a place called Hot Doggy Dog. Taker looked at all of the happy faces inside, laughing, munching on those tasty hot dogs.

"I want that, Glen," said Taker suddenly.

"What?" said Kane. "A super chili cheese dog?"

"No." said Taker. I want that feeling. That satisfied feeling that comes over a man when he gets what he wants. We've got to go to Krystal."

"Yes, we're back," said Kane. "What's the next step?"

"See, that orange Mustang right there?" said Taker pointing over to where the skater punks were at. "That's there's. Time to commit some Grand Theft Auto."

The skater punks were still riding around on their skateboards, oblivious to the fact that Taker was approaching their car. They had left the keys on the hood, which Taker grabbed. He started up the engine.

"Quick!" he said to Kane. Kane hopped made a U-turn and sped out of the parking lot, the skater punks screaming and running after them.

"Yeah!" said Kane, slapping Taker high five. "We're getting ready to turn this night around."

When the men finally reached the sign that said, 'Welcome to Knoxville', they let out whoops of joy. But the joy didn't last long. As they reached a bend, they found out the road had been closed off.

"Shit!" Taker hissed. "Now what?"

Kane looked at his right and said, "Look, there's a short cut."

Taker backed up and made the right. He drove through a thicket of trees and shrubs.

"This is it." said Taker as the trees cleared. We're going to make it af- oh for fuck's sake!"

They had driven near the edge of a cliff.


	9. Chapter 9

Final Chapter. Thank you to everyone who commented, I appreciate it. There will be a sequel. Don't expect it anytime soon though.

9

"I'm sick of this!" Taker shouted. I'm tired of being thwarted!"

"But Mark, look down," said Kane, pointing down the slope. Right at the bottom, low and behold was Krystal.

"Holy shit, we've made it," said Taker. "But we've got to make down this slope."

He got out of the car and opened up the trunk. Inside were four pairs of skis.

"Eureka!" said Taker. We're going to ski down this slope."

"What?" said Kane. "Have you gone mad, man?"

"What's so complicated about this plan? asked Taker who was annoyed Kane didn't share his enthusiasm. "We just ski down and boom! We're right to Krystal"

"Forget it, Mark," said Kane. "I'm not risking my life over a bunch of burgers."

"Oh, so you think this is about the burgers now, do you?" said Taker. "This trip wasn't all about the burgers, it was about overcoming obstacles, it's about going forward and beating all odds. Now we can ski down this slope and get our prize or we can head back home with empty stomachs and a broken dream. What do you say?"

Kane thought about it for a minute before saying, "I hate you, Mark."

The two men got onto the skis at the bottom of the slope. Taker looked at the bottom once more and said, "You ready, Kane?"

Kane nodded.

"Alright, when I say go, start moving forward," said Taker. "One...two...three...GO!"

They were moving at breakneck speed. The wind whipped through Taker's hair as he pushed himself forward, making himself go faster slightly ahead of Kane.

"I wonder why we never went skiing before." said Taker loudly.

"There's the answer," said Kane.

There was a large rock in the middle of the slope. Taker and Kane tried to swerve, around it, but it was too late. They found theirselves tumbling down the slope, skis and all.

Battered, bruised, and covered with dirt, the two men staggered to their feet. Kane brushed himself off, found his voice and said, "Dammit, Mark, we nearly got killed, what the hell was I thinking listening to you? All of this for Krystal!"

Taker pointed behind Kane. Standing there right behind them was Krystal, which seemed to shine brightly against the morning darkness.

"Yes, we made it!" said Kane.

Taker and Kane walked inside Krystal. The cashier, a fat wiry haired young man with Peter on his name tag, eyed them as they walked up to him.

"Wow, looks like you've guys had some night," he said.

"I want 30 cheese Krystals, ten Chik N bites, six fries, and four French vanilla shakes," said Taker

"Make mines the same, except I want for blueberry slushies," said Kane

Peter rung up the cost.

"That'll be fifty-four thirty-two," he said.

"No problem," said Taker, taking out his wallet and opening it. "Wait, where the fuck is my money?"

"What?" said Kane. "Tell me you're joking. I gaave my money away to those idiots who stole your hubcaps."

"No!" shouted Taker. We made it this far and now we're fucking broke! This isn't happening, this isn't fucking happening!"

"I'll pay for it," said a familiar voice from tbehind them. "It's the lease I could do."

Taker and Kane spun around. It was Ric Flair.

"What're you doing here?" Taker demanded.

"You guys kept talking about Krystal so much, I started to crave for it." said Ric.

"Where the hell's my jeep?" Taker demanded.

"Yeah, sorry about that," said Ric, handing Taker his keys. I told you I was shitfaced, didn't know what came over me."

"Ric, do you have any idea what we've been through because of you?" Kane said.

"Yeah," said Ric, "It was a dick move on my part. That's why I'm paying for you meal."

He took out a wad of cash.

"Here's 60 bucks for the food," said Ric. "And let's see, two hundred dollars for the car."

"What happened to my jeep?" Taker asked.

"I made some love gravy in the backseat," said Ric, "You'll see."

He started toward the door.

"Where ya going?" asked Kane.

Ric slipped on his glasses and said, "Where no man has ever gone before."

And he was gone.

Their order was placed on the table before them. Taker and Kane got a good look at before picking up a burger.

"Let's do this together," said Kane.

Both of them bit into the Krystal burger at the same time. Then they went to town, eating with the rapacity of a bear. Joy filled them as fast as they were filling their stomachs as they stuffed their face. They kept eating uninterrupted until they were down to the last burger. They cried with happiness as they ate the last one.

"Man, said Taker, patting his belly in appreciation. "That hit the spot."

"Yeah," said Kane, belching loudly. "That was the best meal I've ever had."

The two contemplated in silence for several minutes. Kane broke it by asking, "What now?"

"I've been thinking," said Taker finally. "We should come out retirement. I've always enjoyed teaming up with you, Glen. And running around this crazy night with you made me realize that more than ever. What do you say, we lace up the boots just one more time?"

"Sure thing," said Kane, "but before I do that, I gotta see my lawyer and pay off those 12 people who're threatening to sue me. After all, it is my fault, I made the sauce too strong."

"I think it's time to go," said Taker. "At least we know how to get to this Krystal now."

"I think we should buy this Krystal," said Kane. "What do you think, Mark?"

"Sounds like a good idea," said Taker. "We'll come back tomorrow to talk to the mananger. But right now, I just wanna see my bed."

The two men left Krystal, headed for the long journey home.

**The End **


End file.
